Journal Entry One
The Journey of Self-Acceptance
I believe that one of the most transformative achievements one can attain is the ability to truly know and accept oneself. My journey toward self-discovery has involved grappling with profound questions: Who am I? My name is Elon Nadia Donovan, though my friends call me Lonnie. This introduction reveals only a fragment of my identity. I identify as a student, artist, model, creative, entrepreneur, daughter, mental health peer advocate, friend, and spirit. I must fairly mention though, the reason why I decided to go by ‘Lonnie’, in 2016, is to honor my grandmother who passed 1 year prior and nicknamed me such.
As I delve deeper into my identity, I often ask, “What makes me who I am?” Am I living authentically, in line with my proclaimed self? These questions are vital for my growth, even if expressing my narrative can be challenging. The journey toward understanding my identity has taught me that it is a complex and ongoing process. Friendship plays a crucial role in my identity. My closest friends have supported me through difficult times, embodying the unconditional love that nurtures my growth. They offer constructive feedback that encourages my best self, reinforcing that true friends are like family. Time and time again, I have allowed myself to suffer alone, only to notice the massive sea of support I receive, when I recluse myself to a depressing level of isolation. Friends have come to my aid, simply, to sit by my side and cry alongside me. This bond teaches me how to cultivate love and acceptance within myself.
During times of transition, I often reflect: “Does this align with who I am and how I feel?” This self-inquiry serves as a valuable tool, especially in my youth, allowing me to navigate internal conflicts and external pressures. Currently, I find myself striving to escape feelings of being unseen and the constraints of people-pleasing. It can be challenging to embrace my authentic self in a world where judgment often lurks. Those who cling to their assumptions about me typically struggle with their own self-acceptance. Walking away from situations where I feel unloved or misunderstood can be painful, particularly when others know only a version of me I no longer identify with.
To cope with these challenges, I retreat to a safe space I’ve created at home—a sanctuary filled with acceptance and support. Here, I can practice living authentically, cultivating my sense of self away from external pressures. This environment allows me to explore my identity without fear of judgment. When I re-enter the world, I do so with a newfound awareness, allowing me to accept others as they are. I’ve shed the need to diminish myself for the comfort of others. Transforming self-rejection into self-acceptance is an ongoing process that requires daily practice. Interestingly, I once masked my true self to shield myself from pain. The journey to living authentically can be painful, yet it is also empowering. Embracing my truth means facing discomfort, ultimately leading to a deeper understanding of who I am.
Growing up in a culturally diverse, Afro-Caribbean household significantly shaped many of my experiences and self-perception. As the youngest in my family, I navigated the complexities of my identity, specifically sexuality, reluctantly. Although I was attracted to girls and women, I faced persecution at home, which deeply affected my self-image. For years, I dated with rejection in mind until I found comfort in a heterosexual relationship and finally came out as bisexual to my family. This pivotal moment coincided with a difficult year: I was hospitalized for my mental health, and the world shut down due to COVID-19. That year marked a commitment to myself, leading me to embrace single living near the beach, love myself, and remain open to love from others. As I continue this journey, I am committed to self-exploration and growth. Knowing and accepting oneself is not a destination but a continuous journey. Each day presents new opportunities to embrace my identity and confront my fears. By nurturing my authentic self, I hope to inspire others to embark on their paths of self-discovery.
This journey of self-acceptance is transformative. It is a path marked by introspection, challenges, and empowerment. I have learned that embracing who I am—flaws and all—allows me to connect more genuinely with myself and others. The more I practice self-acceptance, the more I can reflect that love into the world, fostering a community of understanding and acceptance.
My Journey Through Therapy
What Helps Me
Trauma-informed CBT
Cognitive behavioral therapy has been one of the most consistent and successful practices I have participated in. It has helped me so much, especially when I started as a teen because I needed help rewiring thought forms I had built. Though the catalyst to therapy for me was due to a sexual assault during my first semester, I would be hospitalized 4 years later for not properly tending to my mental needs, consistently. Before being hospitalized, I changed therapists several times, whether due to a lack of pairing, school therapy sessions ending, or personal motivation. I was raised in a way that the best way to learn is through teaching, so ironically, I stuck with my major in child and family psychology and became a mental health peer advocate. Surely, I'd understand a thing or 2 through being taught and the repetition of teaching, a thing or two.
I have chalked it up to have some form of delay because I got it and applied it, but it was robotic-ally. It wasn’t genuine until I internalized the need I had within myself. I also learned how much rehabilitation goes, correcting the mind, and rewiring our behaviors. It takes consistency, responsibility, and community to align with ourselves. Separate from any high purpose, labels, and accomplishments.
After many therapists and being hospitalized the first thing I felt was relief. Transparently, I knew I needed mental health help since high school, but unfortunately, it went untreated. This is a common disparity within the black community and leads back to systemic racism. It’s amazing how generational trauma leaves a trickle effect. At the time, my family was focused on faith-based therapy, which led me to further guilt.
Words are welcome here and my experience with faith-based therapy was atrocious. I only had one session where the mentor started crying about their regrets, so that’s how I chalk up my faith-based therapy experience. It wasn’t until After I was hospitalized, and officially received my diagnosis of Bipolar 2 with borderline personality disorder, that I was paired with an appropriate therapist for me. My goals would change from being trauma and PTSD based into being for more lifestyle coping practices. This paired with psychiatric medication for my psychotic and manic/depressive symptoms, birth control, and a new routine regimen would be my new normal. My therapist with New Vista happened to be one of my favorites, although they have low ratings online, my experience was positive. She gave me many resources, referrals, and tools that I still use to this day, and understood our differences, and tried ways to be as inclusive and understanding as possible. My therapist, M, I’ll call her, was encouraging and tested my limitations. I’m thankful they were one of the first to start testing me a bit because through time I’ve learned that doesn’t stop.
While in this therapy dynamic, I openly focused on one of my diagnoses and put my BPD diagnosis in the closet. This is a mistake I now face with letting go because I have accepted the diagnosis now but then I wasn’t too open to it. I told her I wanted to focus on being bipolar and M respected that, but now I see how wrong I was in that. She gave me so many tools that I wonder how many more she could have offered me. I wonder who else could have helped me. I wonder what instances would have been avoided had I accepted and coddled myself a bit sooner. Instead, I'm faced with letting all of those “woulds” and wonders go.
Now, I’m 26 after being diagnosed at 21 and having a good season of sporadic decisions leading up to my manic break in 2020. I received 2 years of rehabilitation and consistent therapy through 2022.
Cognitive behavioral therapy was my first experience of therapy and was the catalyst to receiving mental health help and advocacy. In upcoming entries I’ll describe how incorporating somatic therapy and exposure therapy has assisted me with 2 years post therapy practice due to relocating.
Coming Up…
Somatic & Exposure Therapy Personal Practice
WELCOME INNNNNN
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